We Made it to May

Rocking my son back to sleep.

We survived an entire month marked by quarantine and have officially arrived in May! The weather outside grows warmer and warmer (not that I'm ever out in it), and I feel the hope of spring turning to summer. I've always liked the month of May--a month when school years end, vacations begin, and it's usually not too hot to go outside just yet. This May will certainly be different than those of years' past, but there's still that hope to hold onto. Our governor has extended his stay-at-home directive until May 15 (previously April 30), but even if he pushes it back again we're at least starting to see some downward trends in virus cases and possible positive change just on the horizon (somewhere).

This past week has been a mix of ups and downs. Last Saturday we had bananas that were starting to brown, so I did my first actual baking of quarantine--banana bread! Which seems to have become the official baked good of these times since it is so easy to make (and delicious). Also, the cafe outside where my husband works opened up for take-out, so my husband did a couple of outings to bring me breakfast sandwiches, smoothies, and coffee! My son is growing more and more by the day with stronger balance, longer hair, and top teeth protruding. I'm taking tons of pictures and videos of his dancing, playing, eating, and snuggling. I got to chat with my friend who lives in our neighborhood as we social distanced in front of my garage. Our families continue to video chat weekly. I also officially stepped "outside" for the first time (since March 20) on Monday (April 27)--just to accompany my husband to get the mail. Baby craned his neck around as I held him in my arms, observing everything in "the great outdoors." Our aunt even joined us for the short stroll to the community mailbox, having just dropped off some fresh food. These little moments were so nice and I appreciated all of them.

The downside is that Baby has also reached a new stage where he's getting more fussy in certain situations. Whether it's teething or a growth spurt, he'll go from a perfect smiling cherub one moment to a growling tiger the next because we don't hand over our phone during a FaceTime, or don't give him the puffs he wants instead of protein, or if we dare to be so cruel as to wipe his mouth after eating. He sometimes pinches or bites (not on purpose). And after weeks of sleeping quite predictably for naps and staying asleep through the entire night, my husband and I have been thrown for a loop. I'm sure it's a phase that will pass, but I'm sure I'd be slightly less exhausted if I wasn't also working all day too. This week has been especially tiring. My work environment has begun to change slightly as we now begin plans for how we will transition back to our physical spaces mid-month. But mostly it's just a lack of sleep. I may also just need a change of scenery. After 43 days without going anywhere, I think I'm going to try to get out of the house at least for a little bit. Maybe this weekend if I finish my homework in time. Next weekend on Mother's Day for sure.

In between work, homework for my online class, and navigating life with a soon-to-be toddler, I get to notice the moments of motherhood that make me excited to be celebrating my first ever Mother's Day next week. There have been so many fun changes as well. Sweet changes. Lovely changes we see with our son every day. Baby used to cover his face with his own arm while nursing. Now he pulls my arm into position to cradle close instead and it makes my heart melt. Two nights when Baby had trouble sleeping, I laid down beside him in his playpen instead of trying to nurse him back to sleep. After only a few moments, he reached out and pulled my arm into him again--this time more like he was cuddling up with a favorite Teddy Bear. Heart. Melt.

By day he explores our kitchen and living room spaces over and over again, stepping courageously from chair to cabinet like a rock climber looking for the next foothold. At night he dances to the music videos we play before bed to wind down. When I hold him in my lap asleep, his tiny foot in my hand is round, soft, and warm, and I hate to move my hand and risk waking him up. Watching him in independent play, I often feel that I am in the presence of greatness--not knowing yet what he will become, but seeing how smart he is, how much personality he holds, and how happy he is when he accomplishes each new thing. It's amazing too that I get to be a part of that.

The best picture of me during this quarantine is one night I rocked my son to sleep on the couch. I haven't liked a lot of my own photos lately--my baby weight is gone but new wrinkles, dark circles, and gray hairs are evident. My wavy locks haven't been cut, of course, and frizz out in different directions. I think Baby might have pulled out half my bangs.

But this photo, mid-quarantine, all natural, I love so much. It's just my son and me, taken by my husband, capturing our eyes closed, holding on to each other.

We made it to May. Keep holding on.