The After and the Now

One thing I'll definitely miss when I go back to work.
I wouldn't be able to do this in my office!

It feels like April's been moving along a lot faster than March ever did. Maybe it's because we're used to the change now, complacent in our routine of weekdays structured by an 8-4 schedule logged in online and weekends centered around Baby and his exploration and growth. With only 7 days left in the month, I'm already starting to face that end-of-weekend anxiety of "have I done enough?" before this working from home experience is over. Of course I want this quarantine period to end soon and life to return to a little more normal. I miss my family. I miss having a cup of coffee at a cafe. I miss the routine of a life where you could actually plan for events like birthday parties and vacations and photo shoots with some level of certainty, and I certainly miss life without this extra layer of fear of illness and danger for my entire family and all my friends. But since this time at home is also a time away from the rest of the world, a time to spend with my son and further our bond and watch him grow as we stay home together, I start to wonder if I've spent my quarantined time wisely. If I've accomplished what I "should" have before we return to a life where I have to leave my house and my son almost every day. As a colleague mentioned to me over video chat just today, "We won't get this kind of opportunity again."

And so I wonder, did I take advantage of the opportunity? Did I treasure every moment enough? Did we play enough educational games? Did I document with enough pictures? Should I have tried to learn a new skill, or read or write more? Should I have tried to do more cleaning? What should I prioritize? I only have 7 days left (well, more likely at least one more week or two after that), before everything changes again. My husband and I will have to return to a physical workplace eventually, and even with the uncertainty I expect it to happen some time in early or mid-May. Then I'll be focused on missing the time I had with my son and fearing the health repercussions of going back because ultimately we just don't know.

I wonder if I'll cry more than I did after my maternity leave ended. After three months, I was thrown into the deep end of returning to a job at its busiest time of year while learning the tedious art of pumping milk and missing a helpless baby who I loved dearly but had only just gotten to know. He didn't even start laughing really until the month after I returned to work. This time when I return to work I'll be disrupting the schedule of a baby who seeks me out if I've disappeared around the corner of the kitchen, who pulls on my (pajama) pants to request a pickup, who smiles when I enter a room and laughs when I sing silly songs, and shows off such a clear personality--social, daring, curious. I'll be leaving behind the momma's boy I've always wanted who I've come to know so well at a time when he's about to hit such milestones as walking and understanding words, and talking. During these times we've also relied on each other for both entertainment and consolation. He keeps me occupied, I keep him occupied. He snuggles into me, I snuggle into him. He's reached an age where yes this might just be a little separation anxiety, but as much as he wants his mom right now, he also plays quite well independently, laughs heartily with Daddy, and reaches out for his great aunt when she comes to drop off food for us. So I know he'll ultimately be okay.

And me? I'm trying to focus on the positive. If the timing works out, I might not have to pump much longer as my son weans off of breast milk. Some of the work I'm doing remotely will also prepare me to be able to transfer to a location closer to my house so I can be closer to my son even while working (cutting down a 40-minute commute to less than 15 minutes). And it's definitely positive that I have a job that can help support my family. With all that's going on in the world right now, it might sound silly or privileged to worry about getting to go to work. But I've got my first and only baby on mind all the time right now. He's my child. He's made me a mother. He's my little bundle of joy and my whole world. So I will never not miss him or not worry about him.

The best thing I can do is try to live in the moment as much as possible, take lots of pictures and write lots of blog posts to document this time. It's not all perfect--staying at home for over a month straight has its challenges and even working from home can be exhausting--but it's certainly interesting. A friend mentioned to me that she's almost forgotten how to drive, which happened to me during maternity leave. It will take some getting used to once I get back on the road. I haven't had a need to pull out my purse in weeks. I barely wear shoes. I barely use beauty products. This is such a time of pausing and even resetting. And so I'm trying not to feel guilty about not being super productive (it's productive that I'm keeping my family fed and healthy every day, right?). An article I read on Facebook actually eased my mind a bit: this blog post by Jessica Bloom is literally titled "Why You Don't Need To Be Productive While Self-Isolation" and made me feel better that I haven't made time to clean out my garage or finish sending my backlog of baby shower thank-you notes. (As a side note, I had a list of over 60 people who gave us gifts, and I think I only made it up to #20. So if you didn't receive a thank you note from me, please know that I have been agonizing over it. But after being pregnant, raising a baby, experiencing a coronavirus world, and dealing with the anxiety of trying to write and mail to everyone in less than a year, I just couldn't get to them all and I'm finally trying to let it go. I did purchase several types of cards with the intention of sending them out. And I do appreciate every single gift we received!).

But back to our current remoteness. On April 16 we watched the Disney Family Singalong on ABC and even though I'm an adult and my son is still too young to understand any of this, it was just the kind of message of hope that we all needed, mixed with nostalgia, fun, and family feels. Plus most people know just how much I love Disney. On April 18 we celebrated my brother's birthday via Google Hangouts just like we did with my dad, and it was another lovely time. I got to see my brother unwrap the whisky-flavored coffee gift I got for him and I blew out a candle on a little lemon mug cake while he blew out candles and enjoyed cupcakes with his girlfriend on their end. We've also FaceTimed with my husband's family members frequently to show off my son's new abilities. Like just today he started standing up all by himself (for just half a second, but it's progress!). This is one of his many big changes lately. He's also started to realize the things he likes and dislikes. For example, he will smile if I mention the word "puff," his favorite snack, but will spit scrambled eggs out even if they're mixed with baby food he enjoys. He will start to cry crocodile tears when we don't give him our phones to play with, but will stop crying instantly when we play the video clip of Beyonce singing for Disney. It's adorable to watch, but hard at times too, like when I know he's in pain from teething, or when I actually need my phone and have to fight him in order to use it. It's both a blessing and tragedy to know that these are all phases that will one day pass.

Are there still new things I want to try before this quarantine period passes us by? Absolutely. I've started looking up my grandparents on Ancestry.com since my local library is offering it for free until the end of the month. I'd love to maybe do a video or two with my son and some books. I may get to a little writing. I certainly have to finish up my online children's book class that I started taking before everything closed down. And I'm looking into ways I can plan a six-foot-distance photo shoot outside the front of my house as a possible first Mother's Day gift to myself and possibly early birthday celebration for my son. We'll see if I can get to any of it. But even if I don't, my life is pretty full right now regardless. I had the perfect moment just this morning that represented quarantine life: passing a bag of SunChips back and forth with my husband using one hand, entertaining my baby with a toy using the other hand, and watching my laptop screen for a notification that the disconnected student I was helping for work had made it back online.

I have work to fill my days, a husband and baby to fill my heart, and lots of snacks.

Out of Ice Cream

Photo from the day before my son was born last year.

We ran out of ice cream on Saturday. I'd finished the last of our Oat Milk ice cream supply and there were no leftover Frostees from Wendy's or my husband's Carl's Jr. shakes, or a single pint of Cookies n Cream--both our favorites. Despite being lactose intolerant, ice cream is my comfort food. I begin the day with coffee (another important comfort), and instead of ending the day with wine as some do, I conclude with a few bites of something sweet to satisfy a craving or keep me sane when I've eaten mostly healthy the rest of the day. Plus calcium is good for bones and for Baby, and there's more protein and nutrients in ice cream than in, say, a donut.

Lack of ice cream is a minor inconvenience and a luxury I was lucky to have as long as I did. But these are times we need our comfort foods, comfort hobbies, comfort objects, comfort pets, and comfort people the most.

For those who are sick and the families of those who are sick, this current life is devastating, and there are few comforts that can improve that right now. But since I'm speaking from my current experience, this post is about those who are isolated, but healthy, and the mental toll fear and isolation can take. We all know the major disruptions in routine, the challenges of working from home while kids are home from school, and having to find projects to do to keep busy and keep sane that don't involve leaving the house. But there are other stressors at play.

For me, missing my usual coffee and ice cream comforts is not really the issue so much as the fact that I miss having the ability to just go out for Italian ice with my husband or pick up a Dutch Bros coffee on my way to work. I haven't hit the same level of cabin fever that some have yet because I enjoy staying home--Baby keeps me from getting bored and my introvert mind has a long self to-do list--but that doesn't mean there's no mental impact. In addition to the stress and anxiety of a lot of work plus a lot of fear during these times, the hardest thing about staying home is the lack of independence. I lived a wonderful, yet sheltered childhood, so it was an exciting adventure for me to be able to do things as an adult like travel for my job, join book clubs on the other side of town, go out shopping to decorate my very own house, still visit my parents often because we're very close and I chose to, or pick up coffee before work because I could. When I became a mom, much of my free time got cut again, naturally, so I had to drop some independent activities like work travel and after-work book clubs, but at least I could visit my parents and stop for coffee.

Now the ability to make my own choices is all but gone.

I haven't left my house in three weeks, one choice I can make to help protect my family. So the most exciting places I've traveled to have been while asleep. I dreamed I was chatting with my mom sitting next to her on the stairs. I dreamed I traveled to the other side of town for lunch and wondered why there was a carnival there during social distancing. But there are other dreams I didn't anticipate.

Two nights in a row I dreamed my baby stopped breathing.

He was okay. His mouth opened right before I woke up. His color returned. And nothing like this has ever happened in real life. But I've also never had nightmares before, even when I was pregnant with vivid dreams of purse snatchers, or when I was a new mom to a newborn, wondering if I would be able to do everything right. I never dreamed about something going so wrong.

This certainly speaks to the subconscious effect of these times.

On a lighter note, dreams aren't reality, and our reality so far is going pretty well. I opened my first pack of toilet paper since this all started, and I still have one large pack left. Siri on my iPhone has decided to be "helpful" and automatically remind me to check the weather each weekday morning so I know the driving conditions for work. It's a little annoying since I have nowhere to go, but I find the humor in it. "Thanks Siri. Good to know it's 64 degrees and might rain tomorrow as I travel the long commute across the living room."

We need to find the humor. We need to cut ourselves some slack.

It's okay to need to spend all day watching Netflix if that's what you need to function right now. It's okay if you're not cleaning your whole house or remodeling your backyard patio. It's okay if you have an extra helping of dessert and come out of this situation a couple pounds heavier than when you started. It's not like we can all go to the gym.

It's okay to be sad because you miss your family, friends, or even your ice cream. I was searching for nearby restaurant recommendations to give to a new staff member at work for when we're all back on campus and I caught myself staring longingly at Yelp photos of Instagram-worthy brunches with Belgian waffles, avocado toast, and multi-colored macarons. Then I caught myself looking up my parents' house on Google maps. It was nice to see it again.

But whether I'm out of ice cream or not, I'm so extremely grateful for the unexpected comforts I do have during this isolation. I have the opportunity to stay home with my son that I never thought I'd get during his babyhood. For at least a couple of months, I'm with him full-time. I get to watch him grow. I get to cuddle with him and my husband every night and focus on the decisions we can still make: What movie or TV series we'll watch on the weekend. Whether to get a drive-thru/take-out treat. How we want to arrange the furniture downstairs. What groceries we want to try to get delivered.

Our delivery service had a tub of Cookies n Cream and Neapolitan on our doorstep on Sunday, so I wasn't out of ice cream for long. Last Friday we watched Pixar's Onward, and this week we're watching The Music of Coco, to see if Baby will dance to "Remember Me," his favorite song since even before he was born. His spirits are always up through these days, and he loves to dance.

I hope to get more independence and choices again soon. But this is enough for now.

April Showers Bring Maybe Flowers?

We finally, finally made it out of the longest March ever. At the beginning of last month I was teaching an in-person library class, celebrating Women's History Month at work, and planning to interview candidates for a search committee I'm on to hire a new colleague. Outside of work, I was taking my son to the doctor, having a birthday dinner celebration with my husband's family, and trying two different photoshoots in order to capture Baby's 9-month, two-teeth smile. It seems like a lifetime ago, as we've now started getting used to a new normal that doesn't involve any of that.

This week felt pretty typical as far as work. I answered the usual student questions online, experimented with some digital presentation technology, and attended multiple online meetings, including my first virtual faculty senate meeting where the president of the college was interrupted by crunching paper sounds because attendees didn't realize their microphones were on.... I'm thankful that my job duties and national committee work have prepared me to use digital tools so I've been able to jump right in to similar online situations without too many mishaps.

Outside of work, I paid the usual bills on the first of the month, washed my hands to the point of dry patches of skin on the backs, and dealt with an uncomfortable--and now just ugly--stye. These are blessings, in the grand scheme of things. I can pay my bills. I'm not out of soap. A stye is the worst malady I have to worry about. Because I also know at least two people personally who are sick with the virus. There have been confirmed cases on each of the three college campuses where I work. It spreads and hits closer and closer to home as we take more and more precautions. I don't feel trapped that I haven't left my house in 15 days. I feel blessed. I feel like I'm doing something by not doing something, and I encourage others to do and continue the same.

Our governor has now issued an official "stay at home" directive, meant to be more potent than his previous request. And the nation has a possible date of April 30 before we might be able to re-open businesses and return to the outside world. If we can make it through another long month--the metaphorical rain of April--will we be rewarded with good news in May?

It's too soon to tell. So for now we live in April. Live in the day-by-day moment. We adapt. Like for my dad's birthday on April 2. We scheduled a Google Hangouts video call at 7pm when my brother got off work from his essential hospital job. This was another moment where I was thankful for familiarity with technology. Technology brought us together as we sang happy birthday to my dad, watched him blow out candles and open presents, listened to my brother play the ukulele for him, and took photos and selfies of our screens. It was a lot of fun, and we plan to do it again for our next family "dinner."

This is something we can look forward to in the April "meantime." I also look forward to upcoming amateur photoshoots I plan to take from home for Baby's 10-month "birthday," for Easter, and more. In the April "meantime" I figured it didn't make much sense to leave diaper bags and purses out since we don't have anywhere to go. I realized just how many shoes I don't need. I started to clean while Baby napped and we ended up moving furniture in our living room to make more space for Baby to crawl in and enjoy the "now." We had a family movie night just the three of us that Baby slept through (still too young for TV screens), but I very much looked forward to it. I might plan another one of those too.

Speaking of sleep, I don't want to tempt fate by calling attention to it, but one good thing to come from all our time spent at home is that my son has gotten better at sleeping. Not every night is perfect, and not every nap is independent, but let's just say I've had more long sleeps than interrupted nights since this all began. We've finally figured out sleeping arrangements that work for everyone.

And with that, my little one has just woken up from his sleepy morning nap and is ready to play! Hopefully there will be more good to come this next month, as we all wake up from this stagnant dream we never anticipated into a life of activity outside again. I'm keeping an eye out for May flowers.