Tomorrow is my first day of in-person work since March 17. It's not a full week of work--in fact, it's just four hours on Friday. But boy it sure feels like a milestone.
On Facebook I'm getting memory reminder photos from one year ago when I posted my then 3-month-old, capturing and soaking up every moment with him before the dreaded end of my maternity leave. It sure feels a little like deja vu as this week marks the last week I'll have being with him 100% at home.
It's really not a bad schedule, all things considered. I don't for one moment take for granted how lucky I am for this. After tomorrow's trial run at work I'll be away 8 hours each Thursday and 4 hours each Friday and then work from home with my son the rest of the week to help spread out our staff for optimal social distancing and safety. But those 12 hours away will feel especially different now that my baby is a little bit older. We've bonded even more with all that time together, used to each other being around. My son has reached a stage where separation anxiety can kick in if he's being taken away from me when he's not ready. My parents watching him will have to find new ways to get him to nap now that he's no longer drinking milk from a bottle. I won't get to see his smiling face after an hour-long Friday meeting and squeeze in a quick cuddle before the next meeting I have to log into online. I won't get to help feed him his meatloaf and mashed potatoes on my lunch break. I'll be sitting in an environment where I could encounter strangers and have to hope I'm protected enough from getting the virus and bringing it home to him. It's strange, lonely, a little scary, and not at all like the usual back-to-school vibes that mid-August usually brings.
On the positive side, I'll get to meet my new coworker in person for the first time. I'll get to actually go out somewhere besides my parents' house. I'll have a tiny bit of alone time on my lunch break. It will feel a little more like "back to school" once I'm actually going back to my job at a school. Maybe I'll even get to notice the weather as it turns cooler (eventually) for the fall season since I barely notice the weather now (I'm 90% indoors).
And I guess it's a positive that I don't have a lot of set up to worry about. At work our administrators and supervisors have been preparing the in-person spaces and writing up new procedures with health and safety in mind. So there's really not much I need to do on my end to prepare, other than try to remember where I left my nametag in the office drawer, make sure my key still works, and mentally psych myself up for a major life change: 157 days since my last day of in-person work. That's 157 days where my baby and I haven't been apart.
I did prepare by making a photo keychain with his picture for my work badge and lanyard. My husband and I ordered pizza in honor of my last day working 100% online. And, like I did before going back to work last time, I put on my favorite Captain America dress and danced with my son to the classic 1940s song from Avengers: Endgame: "It's Been a Long, Long Time." It was the perfect dance to end my maternity leave as I celebrated the child I wanted and waited so long for. And it's the perfect anthem for this part of our lives as we wait and wait, and get through these long times together.
After tomorrow I'll get to spend all weekend with my son. Then Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I'll get to continue my remote work-from-home, stay-at-home mom status. Things won't be too different. Hopefully it won't be too hard.
But just because there's so much to look forward to and be thankful for doesn't mean I'm not going to lament leaving my son for the first time in 157 days--longer than my 12-week maternity leave. In fact, it's been almost twice as long as the 82 days I had between his birth and going back to work last year. I'm so very grateful for this time that many mothers don't get. I'm so very blessed to have been able to witness his first year milestones and to have been able to bond with my baby during a vulnerable time. And I get to be there for him while also getting to have him in my life. The child I've always wanted. The opportunity to try to balance work and family in a brand new way. I want this pandemic to be over but I hope this time together will ultimately leave a positive lasting effect on my son. Rather than marked by fear, I want his formative first years to be marked by the love of his mom and dad who adore him more than anything and got to really follow every moment as he grew from baby to real kid during this time.
So as I get ready to return to work, maybe I'm also just celebrating how far we've come.
Wish me luck.
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