Back to Work, Out in the World

This week my husband officially returned to work--part-time as his organization is still working on a slow transition back to re-opening. I'm okay with that. I'd rather things go slow so we can keep as safe as possible. Was I worried about his first day back out in the world? Not as much as I thought I'd be. While I still feel like it's too early to do a lot of things (like parties, indoor shopping, or even studio photo shoots), I believe his workplace is taking every precaution to ensure that he is safe. He wears a mask, keeps his distance from other people, and even showers when he gets home. Plus he's only there half a day with only a limited number of employees are in the building at the same time. That feels like they're really covering all their bases to me.

So instead of focusing on fear this week, I've been trying to focus on a period where I am truly both stay-at-home mom and working mom. Because now my husband is out half the day instead of home to help. Is it doable to work and watch a baby all by yourself? Well...yes. I did it all Monday long and poor Baby was fussy to say the least! Either he sensed that something was different, missed his daddy, or just got his schedule thrown off. The first two hours he took an unexpected nap that allowed me to get a lot of work taken care of. I felt like I had everything handled. I guess I shouldn't have thought that for even an instant.

The second two hours that my husband was gone were supposed to be easy because all I had to do was have an IT guy walk me through a big software installation (over video conference). He would be doing most of the work, so I would mostly be waiting until he was done working on my computer remotely. I thought I'd be able to entertain my son a little, do some light duties while I waited, and then the work day would be over. But Baby took this opportunity to "make me look bad" in front of the tech. First he wanted to be held. Then he didn't want to be held. He whined, and then cried when I wouldn't let him have my phone. He was hungry. He wasn't hungry. I gave the poor kid a teething cookie to calm him down (that lasted all of 20 seconds). I tried to nurse him upstairs while I wasn't needed for the downloading phase but he wasn't feeling that either. By the time my husband came home at 5pm I was setting him up in his high chair, hoping some solid food might be what he needed. He finally settled down and we determined he just wanted a little extra sleep. It's hard to put a baby to sleep when you're on call for software installation.

Working from home with a baby alone is doable, but difficult to focus if you have to interact with other human beings.

Working from home with a baby alone is doable, but exhausting. I had to feed and cheer up an 11-month-old and clean up his food messes and keep him from crawling anywhere off limits and maybe get something to eat myself if he stayed still in his high chair long enough. All while trying to accomplish regular job tasks. It's really easy for your energy to go down.

On top of everything else, we've been spending every waking hour worried about our family member in the hospital. We pray and wait for updates and try to quell any surrounding fears too.

So for Tuesday and Wednesday I asked my mom to come over to help out for four hours so I could have a little more physical and mental energy. I attended meetings and accomplished job duties with fewer distractions, and it just really helped to have my mom there. A baby needs his mom. I need my mom too, and after two months of lockdown, it was just so nice to have her sit beside me on the couch again.

I still don't know the exact day I'll be going back to work--but it will likely be later this summer and with a part-time approach to start as well. When that day comes, we'll have to adjust our babysitting schedule and re-think how we do a lot of our son's care. But what makes my heart happy as I start to worry about leaving him again, is that at least I've been with him for the milestones I wanted to be there for.

Before the virus spread, before all these closures, I worried about not getting to be the first one to hear my son laugh. To see him crawl. I worried so much about the things that I might miss that my husband had to remind me, "We may not be there for everything, but we'll always be there for him." Those are wise words to live by, but it didn't mean I wasn't sad about working apart from my child. However, I am happy to report that this week marked another exciting milestone besides just adjusting to new schedules. On Saturday, May 16, my baby took his first real steps! At least, I think they were his first. As babies grow I've come to realize that each new skill is more of a transition than a one-day mastery. He's been stepping across furniture for weeks and slowly starting to stand on his own without holding on. But over the weekend was the first time I ever saw a real solo step forward. It was such a casual event too. Baby was just standing at his toy box playing while my husband and I sat on the couch. We watched as he suddenly moved a leg. Took one step, then another. Four little steps to move from the toy box to the storage bench beside the couch, but it was walking! It's been hard to recreate since as Baby still prefers to hold onto furniture, but every once in a while we'll catch a step or two (or six!) as he makes his way to his next destination.

The fact that I got to be with him for that--even if it was just the slightest movement and just so casually out of the blue--is something that no one can take from me. Even if I had to start back at work tomorrow, I could rest easy knowing that I got to be there for my son as he took a baby step in our living room but a huge step forward metaphorically--from babyhood to toddlerhood. His bravery is growing with each day as he starts to venture away from the safety of a handhold and out into the world as well.

You Can't Start to Relax

My world.

Our governor moved up plans to re-open our state to start the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend. The news was met with joy by some needing a big change and economy boost, dread by others who still fear for their safety, and a whole lot of uncertainty overall. For me, on the positive side, I know the governor is making evidence-based decisions, and if he changed the start date of his phase 1 plan (limited businesses opening with safety measures in place) from May 15 to May 9, I'm assuming that means our state is having downward trends, fewer cases, and is more equipped to handle the cases we do have. All good things. On the negative side, however, opening up the state doesn't mean the virus is gone, it just means there's more room at the hospital now.

The week of this announcement things were starting to look up. I dared to leave the house for the first time in 50 days in order to do a careful and secluded Mother's Day breakfast on a cafe porch. It felt so good to be out! I wore matching outfits with my son and soaked up as much positivity as I could during these times in order to have the best first Mother's Day ever.

And I did. There were special gifts, and foods, and visits. We even scheduled a social distancing photo shoot on Mother's Day morning to take commemorative portraits right outside our front door! I couldn't have asked for a better weekend even if we weren't quarantined. I thought the most I had to worry about was hoping people stayed vigilant during reopening, adjusting to new back-to-work schedules coming up for my husband and me, and planning a virtual first birthday for my son.

And then someone very close to us was admitted to the hospital.

The virus was making her sick for days but on the Tuesday after Mother's Day she was admitted. On Friday (yesterday) she was intubated. She's receiving plasma transfusions with Covid-19 antibodies and a new drug that we hope will help her turn the corner as her body fights and the family prays and waits for updates.

Our community, our state, our country can't relax just because cases might be going down. The virus is still here and it's still awful.

Our family can't relax until we know all of us have made it out of these times safe, healed, and home again.

We Made it to May

Rocking my son back to sleep.

We survived an entire month marked by quarantine and have officially arrived in May! The weather outside grows warmer and warmer (not that I'm ever out in it), and I feel the hope of spring turning to summer. I've always liked the month of May--a month when school years end, vacations begin, and it's usually not too hot to go outside just yet. This May will certainly be different than those of years' past, but there's still that hope to hold onto. Our governor has extended his stay-at-home directive until May 15 (previously April 30), but even if he pushes it back again we're at least starting to see some downward trends in virus cases and possible positive change just on the horizon (somewhere).

This past week has been a mix of ups and downs. Last Saturday we had bananas that were starting to brown, so I did my first actual baking of quarantine--banana bread! Which seems to have become the official baked good of these times since it is so easy to make (and delicious). Also, the cafe outside where my husband works opened up for take-out, so my husband did a couple of outings to bring me breakfast sandwiches, smoothies, and coffee! My son is growing more and more by the day with stronger balance, longer hair, and top teeth protruding. I'm taking tons of pictures and videos of his dancing, playing, eating, and snuggling. I got to chat with my friend who lives in our neighborhood as we social distanced in front of my garage. Our families continue to video chat weekly. I also officially stepped "outside" for the first time (since March 20) on Monday (April 27)--just to accompany my husband to get the mail. Baby craned his neck around as I held him in my arms, observing everything in "the great outdoors." Our aunt even joined us for the short stroll to the community mailbox, having just dropped off some fresh food. These little moments were so nice and I appreciated all of them.

The downside is that Baby has also reached a new stage where he's getting more fussy in certain situations. Whether it's teething or a growth spurt, he'll go from a perfect smiling cherub one moment to a growling tiger the next because we don't hand over our phone during a FaceTime, or don't give him the puffs he wants instead of protein, or if we dare to be so cruel as to wipe his mouth after eating. He sometimes pinches or bites (not on purpose). And after weeks of sleeping quite predictably for naps and staying asleep through the entire night, my husband and I have been thrown for a loop. I'm sure it's a phase that will pass, but I'm sure I'd be slightly less exhausted if I wasn't also working all day too. This week has been especially tiring. My work environment has begun to change slightly as we now begin plans for how we will transition back to our physical spaces mid-month. But mostly it's just a lack of sleep. I may also just need a change of scenery. After 43 days without going anywhere, I think I'm going to try to get out of the house at least for a little bit. Maybe this weekend if I finish my homework in time. Next weekend on Mother's Day for sure.

In between work, homework for my online class, and navigating life with a soon-to-be toddler, I get to notice the moments of motherhood that make me excited to be celebrating my first ever Mother's Day next week. There have been so many fun changes as well. Sweet changes. Lovely changes we see with our son every day. Baby used to cover his face with his own arm while nursing. Now he pulls my arm into position to cradle close instead and it makes my heart melt. Two nights when Baby had trouble sleeping, I laid down beside him in his playpen instead of trying to nurse him back to sleep. After only a few moments, he reached out and pulled my arm into him again--this time more like he was cuddling up with a favorite Teddy Bear. Heart. Melt.

By day he explores our kitchen and living room spaces over and over again, stepping courageously from chair to cabinet like a rock climber looking for the next foothold. At night he dances to the music videos we play before bed to wind down. When I hold him in my lap asleep, his tiny foot in my hand is round, soft, and warm, and I hate to move my hand and risk waking him up. Watching him in independent play, I often feel that I am in the presence of greatness--not knowing yet what he will become, but seeing how smart he is, how much personality he holds, and how happy he is when he accomplishes each new thing. It's amazing too that I get to be a part of that.

The best picture of me during this quarantine is one night I rocked my son to sleep on the couch. I haven't liked a lot of my own photos lately--my baby weight is gone but new wrinkles, dark circles, and gray hairs are evident. My wavy locks haven't been cut, of course, and frizz out in different directions. I think Baby might have pulled out half my bangs.

But this photo, mid-quarantine, all natural, I love so much. It's just my son and me, taken by my husband, capturing our eyes closed, holding on to each other.

We made it to May. Keep holding on.