This week my husband officially returned to work--part-time as his organization is still working on a slow transition back to re-opening. I'm okay with that. I'd rather things go slow so we can keep as safe as possible. Was I worried about his first day back out in the world? Not as much as I thought I'd be. While I still feel like it's too early to do a lot of things (like parties, indoor shopping, or even studio photo shoots), I believe his workplace is taking every precaution to ensure that he is safe. He wears a mask, keeps his distance from other people, and even showers when he gets home. Plus he's only there half a day with only a limited number of employees are in the building at the same time. That feels like they're really covering all their bases to me.
So instead of focusing on fear this week, I've been trying to focus on a period where I am truly both stay-at-home mom and working mom. Because now my husband is out half the day instead of home to help. Is it doable to work and watch a baby all by yourself? Well...yes. I did it all Monday long and poor Baby was fussy to say the least! Either he sensed that something was different, missed his daddy, or just got his schedule thrown off. The first two hours he took an unexpected nap that allowed me to get a lot of work taken care of. I felt like I had everything handled. I guess I shouldn't have thought that for even an instant.
The second two hours that my husband was gone were supposed to be easy because all I had to do was have an IT guy walk me through a big software installation (over video conference). He would be doing most of the work, so I would mostly be waiting until he was done working on my computer remotely. I thought I'd be able to entertain my son a little, do some light duties while I waited, and then the work day would be over. But Baby took this opportunity to "make me look bad" in front of the tech. First he wanted to be held. Then he didn't want to be held. He whined, and then cried when I wouldn't let him have my phone. He was hungry. He wasn't hungry. I gave the poor kid a teething cookie to calm him down (that lasted all of 20 seconds). I tried to nurse him upstairs while I wasn't needed for the downloading phase but he wasn't feeling that either. By the time my husband came home at 5pm I was setting him up in his high chair, hoping some solid food might be what he needed. He finally settled down and we determined he just wanted a little extra sleep. It's hard to put a baby to sleep when you're on call for software installation.
Working from home with a baby alone is doable, but difficult to focus if you have to interact with other human beings.
Working from home with a baby alone is doable, but exhausting. I had to feed and cheer up an 11-month-old and clean up his food messes and keep him from crawling anywhere off limits and maybe get something to eat myself if he stayed still in his high chair long enough. All while trying to accomplish regular job tasks. It's really easy for your energy to go down.
On top of everything else, we've been spending every waking hour worried about our family member in the hospital. We pray and wait for updates and try to quell any surrounding fears too.
So for Tuesday and Wednesday I asked my mom to come over to help out for four hours so I could have a little more physical and mental energy. I attended meetings and accomplished job duties with fewer distractions, and it just really helped to have my mom there. A baby needs his mom. I need my mom too, and after two months of lockdown, it was just so nice to have her sit beside me on the couch again.
I still don't know the exact day I'll be going back to work--but it will likely be later this summer and with a part-time approach to start as well. When that day comes, we'll have to adjust our babysitting schedule and re-think how we do a lot of our son's care. But what makes my heart happy as I start to worry about leaving him again, is that at least I've been with him for the milestones I wanted to be there for.
Before the virus spread, before all these closures, I worried about not getting to be the first one to hear my son laugh. To see him crawl. I worried so much about the things that I might miss that my husband had to remind me, "We may not be there for everything, but we'll always be there for him." Those are wise words to live by, but it didn't mean I wasn't sad about working apart from my child. However, I am happy to report that this week marked another exciting milestone besides just adjusting to new schedules. On Saturday, May 16, my baby took his first real steps! At least, I think they were his first. As babies grow I've come to realize that each new skill is more of a transition than a one-day mastery. He's been stepping across furniture for weeks and slowly starting to stand on his own without holding on. But over the weekend was the first time I ever saw a real solo step forward. It was such a casual event too. Baby was just standing at his toy box playing while my husband and I sat on the couch. We watched as he suddenly moved a leg. Took one step, then another. Four little steps to move from the toy box to the storage bench beside the couch, but it was walking! It's been hard to recreate since as Baby still prefers to hold onto furniture, but every once in a while we'll catch a step or two (or six!) as he makes his way to his next destination.
The fact that I got to be with him for that--even if it was just the slightest movement and just so casually out of the blue--is something that no one can take from me. Even if I had to start back at work tomorrow, I could rest easy knowing that I got to be there for my son as he took a baby step in our living room but a huge step forward metaphorically--from babyhood to toddlerhood. His bravery is growing with each day as he starts to venture away from the safety of a handhold and out into the world as well.
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