Tired, Nervous, Happy

After those baby steps on May 16, Baby started officially walking on May 27, travelling from chair to couch and more without holding onto anything! While he still thinks crawling is faster and more stable, he's spent the past few days practicing his walking around the room more often, an adorable little jerky sidestep that makes him look like a crab. He's even started standing up on his own instead of needing a piece of furniture or parent to pull himself up on. It's adorable to see him so happy, confident, and proud. It makes the "tired like a mother" feeling and the anxiety of these hard times much easier to deal with.

Summer is a little different than spring was. On Mondays I work and then watch Baby when my husband works his evening shift. Tuesdays my mom stops by in the afternoon to help me while I work. Wednesdays I go to her house to work for the day and get extra help from my dad and brother there. Thursdays and Fridays I'm off because I had vacation days I was going to lose, so I get to spend all day at home with Baby.

Until July when our schedules change again and I start spending some days back at work.

It's been busy this week with summer classes starting where I work. Nonstop meetings and student questions and website updates, which definitely keeps me occupied. But having my son nearby, though challenging at times, breaks up the monotony. I like the schedule of his morning nap, feeding him real food on my noon lunch break, and then an afternoon nap. I like hearing him giggle with my mom upstairs or see him lying at my feet passed out asleep.

I like that he still makes me happy with everything he does.

Since we couldn't do a huge first birthday party for all our family and friends, this week was also busy organizing the pieces I was putting together to make his first birthday (TODAY) extra special: balloons, a photographer, an awesome cake, a virtual party. The planning made me nervous and happy, almost as if I was planning that huge in-person bash. I wanted everything to come together. And despite a few small hiccups (baby woke a little too early, balloons almost arrived too late), we have a content little one-year-old baby AND awesome photos to show for it.

Plus, the day's not over yet! Once he wakes from his morning nap, my son might actually get to play with his presents and then Facebook Live Stream out to family and friends this evening.

Even more good news: as of today, the close family member in the hospital is officially Covid free! It's her 22nd day sedated on a ventilator and she's not out of the woods yet, but this is a positive step in the right direction so she can continue to heal.

The world is still tumultuous, but today I'm going to be happy.

Back to Work, Out in the World

This week my husband officially returned to work--part-time as his organization is still working on a slow transition back to re-opening. I'm okay with that. I'd rather things go slow so we can keep as safe as possible. Was I worried about his first day back out in the world? Not as much as I thought I'd be. While I still feel like it's too early to do a lot of things (like parties, indoor shopping, or even studio photo shoots), I believe his workplace is taking every precaution to ensure that he is safe. He wears a mask, keeps his distance from other people, and even showers when he gets home. Plus he's only there half a day with only a limited number of employees are in the building at the same time. That feels like they're really covering all their bases to me.

So instead of focusing on fear this week, I've been trying to focus on a period where I am truly both stay-at-home mom and working mom. Because now my husband is out half the day instead of home to help. Is it doable to work and watch a baby all by yourself? Well...yes. I did it all Monday long and poor Baby was fussy to say the least! Either he sensed that something was different, missed his daddy, or just got his schedule thrown off. The first two hours he took an unexpected nap that allowed me to get a lot of work taken care of. I felt like I had everything handled. I guess I shouldn't have thought that for even an instant.

The second two hours that my husband was gone were supposed to be easy because all I had to do was have an IT guy walk me through a big software installation (over video conference). He would be doing most of the work, so I would mostly be waiting until he was done working on my computer remotely. I thought I'd be able to entertain my son a little, do some light duties while I waited, and then the work day would be over. But Baby took this opportunity to "make me look bad" in front of the tech. First he wanted to be held. Then he didn't want to be held. He whined, and then cried when I wouldn't let him have my phone. He was hungry. He wasn't hungry. I gave the poor kid a teething cookie to calm him down (that lasted all of 20 seconds). I tried to nurse him upstairs while I wasn't needed for the downloading phase but he wasn't feeling that either. By the time my husband came home at 5pm I was setting him up in his high chair, hoping some solid food might be what he needed. He finally settled down and we determined he just wanted a little extra sleep. It's hard to put a baby to sleep when you're on call for software installation.

Working from home with a baby alone is doable, but difficult to focus if you have to interact with other human beings.

Working from home with a baby alone is doable, but exhausting. I had to feed and cheer up an 11-month-old and clean up his food messes and keep him from crawling anywhere off limits and maybe get something to eat myself if he stayed still in his high chair long enough. All while trying to accomplish regular job tasks. It's really easy for your energy to go down.

On top of everything else, we've been spending every waking hour worried about our family member in the hospital. We pray and wait for updates and try to quell any surrounding fears too.

So for Tuesday and Wednesday I asked my mom to come over to help out for four hours so I could have a little more physical and mental energy. I attended meetings and accomplished job duties with fewer distractions, and it just really helped to have my mom there. A baby needs his mom. I need my mom too, and after two months of lockdown, it was just so nice to have her sit beside me on the couch again.

I still don't know the exact day I'll be going back to work--but it will likely be later this summer and with a part-time approach to start as well. When that day comes, we'll have to adjust our babysitting schedule and re-think how we do a lot of our son's care. But what makes my heart happy as I start to worry about leaving him again, is that at least I've been with him for the milestones I wanted to be there for.

Before the virus spread, before all these closures, I worried about not getting to be the first one to hear my son laugh. To see him crawl. I worried so much about the things that I might miss that my husband had to remind me, "We may not be there for everything, but we'll always be there for him." Those are wise words to live by, but it didn't mean I wasn't sad about working apart from my child. However, I am happy to report that this week marked another exciting milestone besides just adjusting to new schedules. On Saturday, May 16, my baby took his first real steps! At least, I think they were his first. As babies grow I've come to realize that each new skill is more of a transition than a one-day mastery. He's been stepping across furniture for weeks and slowly starting to stand on his own without holding on. But over the weekend was the first time I ever saw a real solo step forward. It was such a casual event too. Baby was just standing at his toy box playing while my husband and I sat on the couch. We watched as he suddenly moved a leg. Took one step, then another. Four little steps to move from the toy box to the storage bench beside the couch, but it was walking! It's been hard to recreate since as Baby still prefers to hold onto furniture, but every once in a while we'll catch a step or two (or six!) as he makes his way to his next destination.

The fact that I got to be with him for that--even if it was just the slightest movement and just so casually out of the blue--is something that no one can take from me. Even if I had to start back at work tomorrow, I could rest easy knowing that I got to be there for my son as he took a baby step in our living room but a huge step forward metaphorically--from babyhood to toddlerhood. His bravery is growing with each day as he starts to venture away from the safety of a handhold and out into the world as well.

You Can't Start to Relax

My world.

Our governor moved up plans to re-open our state to start the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend. The news was met with joy by some needing a big change and economy boost, dread by others who still fear for their safety, and a whole lot of uncertainty overall. For me, on the positive side, I know the governor is making evidence-based decisions, and if he changed the start date of his phase 1 plan (limited businesses opening with safety measures in place) from May 15 to May 9, I'm assuming that means our state is having downward trends, fewer cases, and is more equipped to handle the cases we do have. All good things. On the negative side, however, opening up the state doesn't mean the virus is gone, it just means there's more room at the hospital now.

The week of this announcement things were starting to look up. I dared to leave the house for the first time in 50 days in order to do a careful and secluded Mother's Day breakfast on a cafe porch. It felt so good to be out! I wore matching outfits with my son and soaked up as much positivity as I could during these times in order to have the best first Mother's Day ever.

And I did. There were special gifts, and foods, and visits. We even scheduled a social distancing photo shoot on Mother's Day morning to take commemorative portraits right outside our front door! I couldn't have asked for a better weekend even if we weren't quarantined. I thought the most I had to worry about was hoping people stayed vigilant during reopening, adjusting to new back-to-work schedules coming up for my husband and me, and planning a virtual first birthday for my son.

And then someone very close to us was admitted to the hospital.

The virus was making her sick for days but on the Tuesday after Mother's Day she was admitted. On Friday (yesterday) she was intubated. She's receiving plasma transfusions with Covid-19 antibodies and a new drug that we hope will help her turn the corner as her body fights and the family prays and waits for updates.

Our community, our state, our country can't relax just because cases might be going down. The virus is still here and it's still awful.

Our family can't relax until we know all of us have made it out of these times safe, healed, and home again.

We Made it to May

Rocking my son back to sleep.

We survived an entire month marked by quarantine and have officially arrived in May! The weather outside grows warmer and warmer (not that I'm ever out in it), and I feel the hope of spring turning to summer. I've always liked the month of May--a month when school years end, vacations begin, and it's usually not too hot to go outside just yet. This May will certainly be different than those of years' past, but there's still that hope to hold onto. Our governor has extended his stay-at-home directive until May 15 (previously April 30), but even if he pushes it back again we're at least starting to see some downward trends in virus cases and possible positive change just on the horizon (somewhere).

This past week has been a mix of ups and downs. Last Saturday we had bananas that were starting to brown, so I did my first actual baking of quarantine--banana bread! Which seems to have become the official baked good of these times since it is so easy to make (and delicious). Also, the cafe outside where my husband works opened up for take-out, so my husband did a couple of outings to bring me breakfast sandwiches, smoothies, and coffee! My son is growing more and more by the day with stronger balance, longer hair, and top teeth protruding. I'm taking tons of pictures and videos of his dancing, playing, eating, and snuggling. I got to chat with my friend who lives in our neighborhood as we social distanced in front of my garage. Our families continue to video chat weekly. I also officially stepped "outside" for the first time (since March 20) on Monday (April 27)--just to accompany my husband to get the mail. Baby craned his neck around as I held him in my arms, observing everything in "the great outdoors." Our aunt even joined us for the short stroll to the community mailbox, having just dropped off some fresh food. These little moments were so nice and I appreciated all of them.

The downside is that Baby has also reached a new stage where he's getting more fussy in certain situations. Whether it's teething or a growth spurt, he'll go from a perfect smiling cherub one moment to a growling tiger the next because we don't hand over our phone during a FaceTime, or don't give him the puffs he wants instead of protein, or if we dare to be so cruel as to wipe his mouth after eating. He sometimes pinches or bites (not on purpose). And after weeks of sleeping quite predictably for naps and staying asleep through the entire night, my husband and I have been thrown for a loop. I'm sure it's a phase that will pass, but I'm sure I'd be slightly less exhausted if I wasn't also working all day too. This week has been especially tiring. My work environment has begun to change slightly as we now begin plans for how we will transition back to our physical spaces mid-month. But mostly it's just a lack of sleep. I may also just need a change of scenery. After 43 days without going anywhere, I think I'm going to try to get out of the house at least for a little bit. Maybe this weekend if I finish my homework in time. Next weekend on Mother's Day for sure.

In between work, homework for my online class, and navigating life with a soon-to-be toddler, I get to notice the moments of motherhood that make me excited to be celebrating my first ever Mother's Day next week. There have been so many fun changes as well. Sweet changes. Lovely changes we see with our son every day. Baby used to cover his face with his own arm while nursing. Now he pulls my arm into position to cradle close instead and it makes my heart melt. Two nights when Baby had trouble sleeping, I laid down beside him in his playpen instead of trying to nurse him back to sleep. After only a few moments, he reached out and pulled my arm into him again--this time more like he was cuddling up with a favorite Teddy Bear. Heart. Melt.

By day he explores our kitchen and living room spaces over and over again, stepping courageously from chair to cabinet like a rock climber looking for the next foothold. At night he dances to the music videos we play before bed to wind down. When I hold him in my lap asleep, his tiny foot in my hand is round, soft, and warm, and I hate to move my hand and risk waking him up. Watching him in independent play, I often feel that I am in the presence of greatness--not knowing yet what he will become, but seeing how smart he is, how much personality he holds, and how happy he is when he accomplishes each new thing. It's amazing too that I get to be a part of that.

The best picture of me during this quarantine is one night I rocked my son to sleep on the couch. I haven't liked a lot of my own photos lately--my baby weight is gone but new wrinkles, dark circles, and gray hairs are evident. My wavy locks haven't been cut, of course, and frizz out in different directions. I think Baby might have pulled out half my bangs.

But this photo, mid-quarantine, all natural, I love so much. It's just my son and me, taken by my husband, capturing our eyes closed, holding on to each other.

We made it to May. Keep holding on.

The After and the Now

One thing I'll definitely miss when I go back to work.
I wouldn't be able to do this in my office!

It feels like April's been moving along a lot faster than March ever did. Maybe it's because we're used to the change now, complacent in our routine of weekdays structured by an 8-4 schedule logged in online and weekends centered around Baby and his exploration and growth. With only 7 days left in the month, I'm already starting to face that end-of-weekend anxiety of "have I done enough?" before this working from home experience is over. Of course I want this quarantine period to end soon and life to return to a little more normal. I miss my family. I miss having a cup of coffee at a cafe. I miss the routine of a life where you could actually plan for events like birthday parties and vacations and photo shoots with some level of certainty, and I certainly miss life without this extra layer of fear of illness and danger for my entire family and all my friends. But since this time at home is also a time away from the rest of the world, a time to spend with my son and further our bond and watch him grow as we stay home together, I start to wonder if I've spent my quarantined time wisely. If I've accomplished what I "should" have before we return to a life where I have to leave my house and my son almost every day. As a colleague mentioned to me over video chat just today, "We won't get this kind of opportunity again."

And so I wonder, did I take advantage of the opportunity? Did I treasure every moment enough? Did we play enough educational games? Did I document with enough pictures? Should I have tried to learn a new skill, or read or write more? Should I have tried to do more cleaning? What should I prioritize? I only have 7 days left (well, more likely at least one more week or two after that), before everything changes again. My husband and I will have to return to a physical workplace eventually, and even with the uncertainty I expect it to happen some time in early or mid-May. Then I'll be focused on missing the time I had with my son and fearing the health repercussions of going back because ultimately we just don't know.

I wonder if I'll cry more than I did after my maternity leave ended. After three months, I was thrown into the deep end of returning to a job at its busiest time of year while learning the tedious art of pumping milk and missing a helpless baby who I loved dearly but had only just gotten to know. He didn't even start laughing really until the month after I returned to work. This time when I return to work I'll be disrupting the schedule of a baby who seeks me out if I've disappeared around the corner of the kitchen, who pulls on my (pajama) pants to request a pickup, who smiles when I enter a room and laughs when I sing silly songs, and shows off such a clear personality--social, daring, curious. I'll be leaving behind the momma's boy I've always wanted who I've come to know so well at a time when he's about to hit such milestones as walking and understanding words, and talking. During these times we've also relied on each other for both entertainment and consolation. He keeps me occupied, I keep him occupied. He snuggles into me, I snuggle into him. He's reached an age where yes this might just be a little separation anxiety, but as much as he wants his mom right now, he also plays quite well independently, laughs heartily with Daddy, and reaches out for his great aunt when she comes to drop off food for us. So I know he'll ultimately be okay.

And me? I'm trying to focus on the positive. If the timing works out, I might not have to pump much longer as my son weans off of breast milk. Some of the work I'm doing remotely will also prepare me to be able to transfer to a location closer to my house so I can be closer to my son even while working (cutting down a 40-minute commute to less than 15 minutes). And it's definitely positive that I have a job that can help support my family. With all that's going on in the world right now, it might sound silly or privileged to worry about getting to go to work. But I've got my first and only baby on mind all the time right now. He's my child. He's made me a mother. He's my little bundle of joy and my whole world. So I will never not miss him or not worry about him.

The best thing I can do is try to live in the moment as much as possible, take lots of pictures and write lots of blog posts to document this time. It's not all perfect--staying at home for over a month straight has its challenges and even working from home can be exhausting--but it's certainly interesting. A friend mentioned to me that she's almost forgotten how to drive, which happened to me during maternity leave. It will take some getting used to once I get back on the road. I haven't had a need to pull out my purse in weeks. I barely wear shoes. I barely use beauty products. This is such a time of pausing and even resetting. And so I'm trying not to feel guilty about not being super productive (it's productive that I'm keeping my family fed and healthy every day, right?). An article I read on Facebook actually eased my mind a bit: this blog post by Jessica Bloom is literally titled "Why You Don't Need To Be Productive While Self-Isolation" and made me feel better that I haven't made time to clean out my garage or finish sending my backlog of baby shower thank-you notes. (As a side note, I had a list of over 60 people who gave us gifts, and I think I only made it up to #20. So if you didn't receive a thank you note from me, please know that I have been agonizing over it. But after being pregnant, raising a baby, experiencing a coronavirus world, and dealing with the anxiety of trying to write and mail to everyone in less than a year, I just couldn't get to them all and I'm finally trying to let it go. I did purchase several types of cards with the intention of sending them out. And I do appreciate every single gift we received!).

But back to our current remoteness. On April 16 we watched the Disney Family Singalong on ABC and even though I'm an adult and my son is still too young to understand any of this, it was just the kind of message of hope that we all needed, mixed with nostalgia, fun, and family feels. Plus most people know just how much I love Disney. On April 18 we celebrated my brother's birthday via Google Hangouts just like we did with my dad, and it was another lovely time. I got to see my brother unwrap the whisky-flavored coffee gift I got for him and I blew out a candle on a little lemon mug cake while he blew out candles and enjoyed cupcakes with his girlfriend on their end. We've also FaceTimed with my husband's family members frequently to show off my son's new abilities. Like just today he started standing up all by himself (for just half a second, but it's progress!). This is one of his many big changes lately. He's also started to realize the things he likes and dislikes. For example, he will smile if I mention the word "puff," his favorite snack, but will spit scrambled eggs out even if they're mixed with baby food he enjoys. He will start to cry crocodile tears when we don't give him our phones to play with, but will stop crying instantly when we play the video clip of Beyonce singing for Disney. It's adorable to watch, but hard at times too, like when I know he's in pain from teething, or when I actually need my phone and have to fight him in order to use it. It's both a blessing and tragedy to know that these are all phases that will one day pass.

Are there still new things I want to try before this quarantine period passes us by? Absolutely. I've started looking up my grandparents on Ancestry.com since my local library is offering it for free until the end of the month. I'd love to maybe do a video or two with my son and some books. I may get to a little writing. I certainly have to finish up my online children's book class that I started taking before everything closed down. And I'm looking into ways I can plan a six-foot-distance photo shoot outside the front of my house as a possible first Mother's Day gift to myself and possibly early birthday celebration for my son. We'll see if I can get to any of it. But even if I don't, my life is pretty full right now regardless. I had the perfect moment just this morning that represented quarantine life: passing a bag of SunChips back and forth with my husband using one hand, entertaining my baby with a toy using the other hand, and watching my laptop screen for a notification that the disconnected student I was helping for work had made it back online.

I have work to fill my days, a husband and baby to fill my heart, and lots of snacks.

Out of Ice Cream

Photo from the day before my son was born last year.

We ran out of ice cream on Saturday. I'd finished the last of our Oat Milk ice cream supply and there were no leftover Frostees from Wendy's or my husband's Carl's Jr. shakes, or a single pint of Cookies n Cream--both our favorites. Despite being lactose intolerant, ice cream is my comfort food. I begin the day with coffee (another important comfort), and instead of ending the day with wine as some do, I conclude with a few bites of something sweet to satisfy a craving or keep me sane when I've eaten mostly healthy the rest of the day. Plus calcium is good for bones and for Baby, and there's more protein and nutrients in ice cream than in, say, a donut.

Lack of ice cream is a minor inconvenience and a luxury I was lucky to have as long as I did. But these are times we need our comfort foods, comfort hobbies, comfort objects, comfort pets, and comfort people the most.

For those who are sick and the families of those who are sick, this current life is devastating, and there are few comforts that can improve that right now. But since I'm speaking from my current experience, this post is about those who are isolated, but healthy, and the mental toll fear and isolation can take. We all know the major disruptions in routine, the challenges of working from home while kids are home from school, and having to find projects to do to keep busy and keep sane that don't involve leaving the house. But there are other stressors at play.

For me, missing my usual coffee and ice cream comforts is not really the issue so much as the fact that I miss having the ability to just go out for Italian ice with my husband or pick up a Dutch Bros coffee on my way to work. I haven't hit the same level of cabin fever that some have yet because I enjoy staying home--Baby keeps me from getting bored and my introvert mind has a long self to-do list--but that doesn't mean there's no mental impact. In addition to the stress and anxiety of a lot of work plus a lot of fear during these times, the hardest thing about staying home is the lack of independence. I lived a wonderful, yet sheltered childhood, so it was an exciting adventure for me to be able to do things as an adult like travel for my job, join book clubs on the other side of town, go out shopping to decorate my very own house, still visit my parents often because we're very close and I chose to, or pick up coffee before work because I could. When I became a mom, much of my free time got cut again, naturally, so I had to drop some independent activities like work travel and after-work book clubs, but at least I could visit my parents and stop for coffee.

Now the ability to make my own choices is all but gone.

I haven't left my house in three weeks, one choice I can make to help protect my family. So the most exciting places I've traveled to have been while asleep. I dreamed I was chatting with my mom sitting next to her on the stairs. I dreamed I traveled to the other side of town for lunch and wondered why there was a carnival there during social distancing. But there are other dreams I didn't anticipate.

Two nights in a row I dreamed my baby stopped breathing.

He was okay. His mouth opened right before I woke up. His color returned. And nothing like this has ever happened in real life. But I've also never had nightmares before, even when I was pregnant with vivid dreams of purse snatchers, or when I was a new mom to a newborn, wondering if I would be able to do everything right. I never dreamed about something going so wrong.

This certainly speaks to the subconscious effect of these times.

On a lighter note, dreams aren't reality, and our reality so far is going pretty well. I opened my first pack of toilet paper since this all started, and I still have one large pack left. Siri on my iPhone has decided to be "helpful" and automatically remind me to check the weather each weekday morning so I know the driving conditions for work. It's a little annoying since I have nowhere to go, but I find the humor in it. "Thanks Siri. Good to know it's 64 degrees and might rain tomorrow as I travel the long commute across the living room."

We need to find the humor. We need to cut ourselves some slack.

It's okay to need to spend all day watching Netflix if that's what you need to function right now. It's okay if you're not cleaning your whole house or remodeling your backyard patio. It's okay if you have an extra helping of dessert and come out of this situation a couple pounds heavier than when you started. It's not like we can all go to the gym.

It's okay to be sad because you miss your family, friends, or even your ice cream. I was searching for nearby restaurant recommendations to give to a new staff member at work for when we're all back on campus and I caught myself staring longingly at Yelp photos of Instagram-worthy brunches with Belgian waffles, avocado toast, and multi-colored macarons. Then I caught myself looking up my parents' house on Google maps. It was nice to see it again.

But whether I'm out of ice cream or not, I'm so extremely grateful for the unexpected comforts I do have during this isolation. I have the opportunity to stay home with my son that I never thought I'd get during his babyhood. For at least a couple of months, I'm with him full-time. I get to watch him grow. I get to cuddle with him and my husband every night and focus on the decisions we can still make: What movie or TV series we'll watch on the weekend. Whether to get a drive-thru/take-out treat. How we want to arrange the furniture downstairs. What groceries we want to try to get delivered.

Our delivery service had a tub of Cookies n Cream and Neapolitan on our doorstep on Sunday, so I wasn't out of ice cream for long. Last Friday we watched Pixar's Onward, and this week we're watching The Music of Coco, to see if Baby will dance to "Remember Me," his favorite song since even before he was born. His spirits are always up through these days, and he loves to dance.

I hope to get more independence and choices again soon. But this is enough for now.

April Showers Bring Maybe Flowers?

We finally, finally made it out of the longest March ever. At the beginning of last month I was teaching an in-person library class, celebrating Women's History Month at work, and planning to interview candidates for a search committee I'm on to hire a new colleague. Outside of work, I was taking my son to the doctor, having a birthday dinner celebration with my husband's family, and trying two different photoshoots in order to capture Baby's 9-month, two-teeth smile. It seems like a lifetime ago, as we've now started getting used to a new normal that doesn't involve any of that.

This week felt pretty typical as far as work. I answered the usual student questions online, experimented with some digital presentation technology, and attended multiple online meetings, including my first virtual faculty senate meeting where the president of the college was interrupted by crunching paper sounds because attendees didn't realize their microphones were on.... I'm thankful that my job duties and national committee work have prepared me to use digital tools so I've been able to jump right in to similar online situations without too many mishaps.

Outside of work, I paid the usual bills on the first of the month, washed my hands to the point of dry patches of skin on the backs, and dealt with an uncomfortable--and now just ugly--stye. These are blessings, in the grand scheme of things. I can pay my bills. I'm not out of soap. A stye is the worst malady I have to worry about. Because I also know at least two people personally who are sick with the virus. There have been confirmed cases on each of the three college campuses where I work. It spreads and hits closer and closer to home as we take more and more precautions. I don't feel trapped that I haven't left my house in 15 days. I feel blessed. I feel like I'm doing something by not doing something, and I encourage others to do and continue the same.

Our governor has now issued an official "stay at home" directive, meant to be more potent than his previous request. And the nation has a possible date of April 30 before we might be able to re-open businesses and return to the outside world. If we can make it through another long month--the metaphorical rain of April--will we be rewarded with good news in May?

It's too soon to tell. So for now we live in April. Live in the day-by-day moment. We adapt. Like for my dad's birthday on April 2. We scheduled a Google Hangouts video call at 7pm when my brother got off work from his essential hospital job. This was another moment where I was thankful for familiarity with technology. Technology brought us together as we sang happy birthday to my dad, watched him blow out candles and open presents, listened to my brother play the ukulele for him, and took photos and selfies of our screens. It was a lot of fun, and we plan to do it again for our next family "dinner."

This is something we can look forward to in the April "meantime." I also look forward to upcoming amateur photoshoots I plan to take from home for Baby's 10-month "birthday," for Easter, and more. In the April "meantime" I figured it didn't make much sense to leave diaper bags and purses out since we don't have anywhere to go. I realized just how many shoes I don't need. I started to clean while Baby napped and we ended up moving furniture in our living room to make more space for Baby to crawl in and enjoy the "now." We had a family movie night just the three of us that Baby slept through (still too young for TV screens), but I very much looked forward to it. I might plan another one of those too.

Speaking of sleep, I don't want to tempt fate by calling attention to it, but one good thing to come from all our time spent at home is that my son has gotten better at sleeping. Not every night is perfect, and not every nap is independent, but let's just say I've had more long sleeps than interrupted nights since this all began. We've finally figured out sleeping arrangements that work for everyone.

And with that, my little one has just woken up from his sleepy morning nap and is ready to play! Hopefully there will be more good to come this next month, as we all wake up from this stagnant dream we never anticipated into a life of activity outside again. I'm keeping an eye out for May flowers.