Back to Work (For Real)

Friday, August 21 marked my first official day back at work--at least, my first in-person day as I've certainly been getting a lot done working from home for five months. It was only for four hours and my son slept almost the entire time, so I don't know if even had time to miss me! We did, however, celebrate, by giving him his first haircut (at home, by me, after several YouTube videos). And it didn't turn out half bad.

The next week I returned to work for two days--eight hours on Thursday and four hours again on Friday. This was where I really felt the change. Eight hours was a full day without my son. And it was an evening shift, so I wouldn't even get to see him until after dinnertime. I worried about using a public restroom and about snacking without a mask as I grew more and more hungry with a late lunch. My lunch break in my car was in triple-digit heat, and my "treating myself" trip through Starbucks drive-thru didn't even help since I forgot to order my coffee iced.

Baby, however, had a great time with his grandparents and uncles entertaining him. While I packed frozen breast milk and a pillowcase that smelled like me into his activity bag in case he had trouble napping, it turns out he didn't need either of them and was able to fall asleep on his own. In fact, he fell asleep during my lunch break so I couldn't even video chat to check in. But the text updates from my mom assured me that all went well.

Work itself was different, but not that different. The campus I was on had always been more quiet than the rest, so we didn't see a lot of student traffic and I was able to get a lot of work done on my computer without a little one tracking me down (though I definitely missed that). Everyone wore masks and conversations with coworkers were behind plexiglass, but that at least made me feel safe enough to spend time chatting with someone besides my family. When the day was over, I had enough time to shower before uniting with my son, and that itself felt pretty good.

The next week went even better. I ordered iced coffee on my break this time and parked in the shade so my car wouldn't heat up as much. My Starbucks barista gave me a free cake pop as apology for not having chicken protein boxes for lunch. And I got to sit in the shade and listen to my favorite pop music as my husband texted me (Baby was asleep again). It almost reminded me of the "good old days" before the pandemic, when I could pick up coffee before work and drive in to a place outside the house to do work that I loved. I mean, that's basically what I was doing, except with a little more anxiety and a little less practice.

I still prefer the days I can work from home and be with my baby. A part of my heart hurts when I have to pack up his lunch, applesauce dessert, favorite books, and a familiar toy to help keep him occupied for a day without Mom or Dad. But I have to admit, after 5 months of going practically nowhere, having a day or two in person (safely) each week is also a nice change of pace. My coworkers are also super sweet and awesome, remembering my birthday and making sure I have everything I need while I'm there.

Speaking of my birthday, I did in fact celebrate a "quarantined" milestone of turning 34 during a pandemic. The morning was spent at my parents' house for breakfast, cake, and a couple of presents. For dinner, my husband picked up takeout from a Brazilian steakhouse. I got to take pictures of my family, and drink coffee, which was all I really wanted. But I also bought myself an early birthday gift--a Nespresso pod coffee maker so I can make my own lattes at home on days when I can't treat myself and need access to my coffee while working remote.

I don't know when I'll be back to work in person full-time, or if I'll ever even be able to go back to that kind of setup now in this new world and with my definite ability to work at a distant. But I'll continue to post when I can if things change. Either way, hopefully those changes will eventually be for the better. Until then I remain, remotely yours.

The Last Week

Tomorrow is my first day of in-person work since March 17. It's not a full week of work--in fact, it's just four hours on Friday. But boy it sure feels like a milestone.

On Facebook I'm getting memory reminder photos from one year ago when I posted my then 3-month-old, capturing and soaking up every moment with him before the dreaded end of my maternity leave. It sure feels a little like deja vu as this week marks the last week I'll have being with him 100% at home.

It's really not a bad schedule, all things considered. I don't for one moment take for granted how lucky I am for this. After tomorrow's trial run at work I'll be away 8 hours each Thursday and 4 hours each Friday and then work from home with my son the rest of the week to help spread out our staff for optimal social distancing and safety. But those 12 hours away will feel especially different now that my baby is a little bit older. We've bonded even more with all that time together, used to each other being around. My son has reached a stage where separation anxiety can kick in if he's being taken away from me when he's not ready. My parents watching him will have to find new ways to get him to nap now that he's no longer drinking milk from a bottle. I won't get to see his smiling face after an hour-long Friday meeting and squeeze in a quick cuddle before the next meeting I have to log into online. I won't get to help feed him his meatloaf and mashed potatoes on my lunch break. I'll be sitting in an environment where I could encounter strangers and have to hope I'm protected enough from getting the virus and bringing it home to him. It's strange, lonely, a little scary, and not at all like the usual back-to-school vibes that mid-August usually brings.

On the positive side, I'll get to meet my new coworker in person for the first time. I'll get to actually go out somewhere besides my parents' house. I'll have a tiny bit of alone time on my lunch break. It will feel a little more like "back to school" once I'm actually going back to my job at a school. Maybe I'll even get to notice the weather as it turns cooler (eventually) for the fall season since I barely notice the weather now (I'm 90% indoors).

And I guess it's a positive that I don't have a lot of set up to worry about. At work our administrators and supervisors have been preparing the in-person spaces and writing up new procedures with health and safety in mind. So there's really not much I need to do on my end to prepare, other than try to remember where I left my nametag in the office drawer, make sure my key still works, and mentally psych myself up for a major life change: 157 days since my last day of in-person work. That's 157 days where my baby and I haven't been apart.

I did prepare by making a photo keychain with his picture for my work badge and lanyard. My husband and I ordered pizza in honor of my last day working 100% online. And, like I did before going back to work last time, I put on my favorite Captain America dress and danced with my son to the classic 1940s song from Avengers: Endgame: "It's Been a Long, Long Time." It was the perfect dance to end my maternity leave as I celebrated the child I wanted and waited so long for. And it's the perfect anthem for this part of our lives as we wait and wait, and get through these long times together.

After tomorrow I'll get to spend all weekend with my son. Then Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I'll get to continue my remote work-from-home, stay-at-home mom status. Things won't be too different. Hopefully it won't be too hard.

But just because there's so much to look forward to and be thankful for doesn't mean I'm not going to lament leaving my son for the first time in 157 days--longer than my 12-week maternity leave. In fact, it's been almost twice as long as the 82 days I had between his birth and going back to work last year. I'm so very grateful for this time that many mothers don't get. I'm so very blessed to have been able to witness his first year milestones and to have been able to bond with my baby during a vulnerable time. And I get to be there for him while also getting to have him in my life. The child I've always wanted. The opportunity to try to balance work and family in a brand new way. I want this pandemic to be over but I hope this time together will ultimately leave a positive lasting effect on my son. Rather than marked by fear, I want his formative first years to be marked by the love of his mom and dad who adore him more than anything and got to really follow every moment as he grew from baby to real kid during this time.

So as I get ready to return to work, maybe I'm also just celebrating how far we've come.

Wish me luck.

Changes

I started yesterday's blog post a few days ago and never got the time to finish it until the evening of July 31. But by this week, things have actually already started changing. Don't worry--it's all good!

The first big change is that our loved one was transferred to a rehabilitation facility! That means she's actually recovered from illness but just has to work on re-learning how to walk, speak, feed herself, and similar daily tasks most people take for granted. It will be a long process to get back to who she was before the virus, but she is on a very positive path. Even better, she got to see many of her loved ones in person as they transferred her from her care facility to her rehab facility--they waited outside with masks and cheers as she was wheeled out hospital doors and started her new journey. We are all so thrilled!

The second big change is that I got a new boss at work--after finding out weeks ago that my current boss was moving up in position, our whole staff waited to see who would take her place as supervisor. Now we know, and we're thrilled for this too! It's not easy supervising a large staff remotely during a pandemic, so I absolutely admire her for taking on this role. I know she'll do well and I look forward to seeing what comes out of her leadership.

The third big change as we reach the end of July is that I received an updated return-to-work letter. Instead of going back to my job this month, I'm scheduled to return mid-August (as I was kind of suspecting, though it was never confirmed). We have been told these dates could change at a moment's notice, depending on what happens in our state with the virus. But among all the fear is that small hope that comes with something new, or rather, returning to something familiar. I'm not looking forward to going back to in-person places and risking my family's health. However, it's nice to have some sort of schedule and date in place to prepare for the future. I likely will still get to telecommute most of the week, with only two days of in-person working. Supposedly. We'll see what happens in the coming month, but I'm hopeful that everything will come together. My son is old enough where he can be without me for a few hours if needed--it will be hard since he's growing wonderfully attached to me, but it is doable as I've seen how social he can be with others once he's distracted away from Mommy. I'm definitely going to miss him during the day though. We haven't been apart since March! And I miss him even when I'm working from home and he's in the next room--until he climbs into my lap to take me away from my computer and I can snuggle him once more. He's already figured out how to reach and grab and do so much. Boy he's grown during this quarantine, work-from-home time!

Next month brings the change of another year older for me as well. My first birthday during the pandemic. Not that I was expecting this birthday to be a big celebration before the virus (34 isn't exactly a milestone, I'm not much of a party person, and I do have a baby to take care of). Still, I'm planning a small family day at home to keep my mind off reality and enjoy my special day with the special people I am able to be with. I even bought myself an early birthday present online: a mini espresso maker so I can make my own lattes at home every day before work! A new and easy way to get that coffee fix you know I need.

We'll see what the future brings, but I do know what I'm wishing for when I blow out any birthday candles--an end to coronavirus, and a bright future for my son!

No News Is Good News?

Not much has changed in the past couple of weeks for our remote lives, other than finding out more people who have caught the virus as we desperately try to keep our loved ones and ourselves protected.

I still have no exact date for returning to work.

Our loved one who's been in the hospital since May is still (thankfully) improving little by little.

Our coronavirus lives still consist of a fairly basic routine: On Mondays my husband watches Baby during my meetings then goes to work an evening shift. My mom stops by in late afternoon to visit and help me end the day. On Tuesdays through Thursdays I go to my parents' house to work from home while they babysit. Baby still takes a couple of nursing breaks during the day (usually one for a nap mid-morning and one for a snack mid-afternoon). Fridays are my short days, so sometimes I'll go over to spend time with my parents or sometimes I'll hold down the fort at home. Weekends are spent with Baby, going nowhere, catching up on TV shows while he naps, and treating ourselves to delivered pizza or drive-thru ice cream.

Our public school district has decided to do distance learning for all, but everything still feels tentative, ready to change at a moment's notice. This is the way news is at my job as well.

We wait. It's very much been a "stasis" kind of month.

But change is coming. Even without news we know that nothing can stay the same forever. And with the start of the fall semester on its way, I know there will be updates soon.

Summer Adjustments

It's mid-summer and the temperature sure is rising. Not that I notice it all that often indoors. Siri on my phone continues to occasionally ask me if I want to check today's weather outside. I don't. Even if I was driving to a workplace every day, which I'm not, I don't need a reminder that it's "a hundred and stupid" outside as my husband likes to say.

Back in March, many hoped that the arrival of warm weather would mean a decrease in coronavirus cases. It hasn't. With many Americans trying to return to business as usual in the middle of a pandemic that hasn't gone away, much of the progress we've made in flattening the curve seems to have gone out the window. Numbers are rising. Hospitals are getting full again. And the few small measures we have to combat the surge--like wearing masks--has become political. But when you know someone with the virus, when you and your family are deeply affected by it, a simple act of wearing a mask or staying home as much as possible is nothing if it means you might spare someone from having to go through what you or your loved one has experienced or is experiencing.

The good news is that our loved one in the hospital is making very slow but positive progress--trending in the right direction. What that means is that after over 60 days in a hospital and then long-term care facility she is only just now starting to move, only just now starting to be able to practice breathing on her own with a CPAP machine for short bursts, and we still await her complete weaning off the ventilator and her waking up enough to track with her eyes and see her loved ones. Then the rehab will truly begin. So we're hopeful. And watching my son's face light up when he saw her on video chat, looking so much better and so familiar again, was priceless. But 60+ days in a hospital bed fighting this disease, 60+ days trying to heal your body, 60+ days of your loved ones' pounding hearts as they anxiously read each daily text update hoping the news is positive--that's nothing to be taken lightly. So if you think my support of masks is political, it's not. My personal political opinions are strong on a lot of issues, but this is not about opinions. We face a public health crisis. As a librarian, I've read the research. And as a family member I've seen the effects of this disease. So if wearing a mask in public can help in even the smallest ways, I will absolutely continue to do it.

However, right now I prefer to mostly stay home or at my nearby parents' house as much as possible instead. The opening date for my work was pushed back from July 1 to probably mid-August. Our administration was concerned with the rising cases in our state, and our building had yet to install all safety measures. So my remote life continues for at least another month until we learn more. While no one has all the answers and life could change in an instant during these times, that doesn't make it any less frustrating when we can't predict and prepare for what our work schedules will be like in just a few short weeks.

As my organization adjusts their dates, I've been making adjustments too, getting even more used to remote life than ever before. A work day means using my laptop from literally any location (desk, couch, parents' couch, parents' chair, top of kitchen bar, brothers' old bedroom bed) and often showing my son walking in the background of Zoom meetings to break the ice. I'm even beginning to forget what office life was like. One of my online account's recovery phone numbers looked unfamiliar to me until I remembered I was looking at the last four digits of my office phone number. I'm forgetting what my routine used to be when I came to my desk in the morning and what it felt like to log onto that office desktop computer. It's definitely been weird just thinking about going back to work and thinking about what the rest of summer will look like.

On the plus side, though I've used up my work-from-home vacation days in June, the weekend is always an opportunity to have some fun with my son, either at home or at my parents' house. We've introduced Baby to my dad's pool, and though he was nervous at first to let go of Mommy, he soon practiced swimming in his Papa's arms, kicking and splashing with joy. He's always been a perfect mix of both cautious kid and risk-taking rebel, which hopefully bodes well for his confidence and success as he grows older. It's also really sweet seeing him show off his new swim trunks that my great aunt mailed him (his great great aunt). She continues to send care packages with summer outfits just big enough for him to grow into, which is a big help. Since both my grandmothers have passed away, my great aunt has fully taken on this role in supporting my son as if he were her own great-grandchild, and that means the world to me.

My husband and I also got in a couple of summer movie nights without the theater, watching at my parents' house while they babysat upstairs. Just today our whole experience of swimming, movie, and even a pizza delivery felt so deliciously normal; it was a nice escape from the reality of the world right now. Of course I come home to more pandemic news on social media. Of course I come home to the reality that we can't visit all our loved ones in person. But before bed today Baby got to see family he hadn't seen in months, at a social distanced visit outside our garage, and that filled my heart with joy too. We had a wonderful Saturday that was the epitome of summer and family and love. So I'm going to flip through the photos over and over again and hold onto that feeling of being safe and relaxed and happy for as long as I can.

I hope so much that it continues, that reality adjusts and shifts in a positive direction, and that there are more good memories to come.

Plans to Return

Someone's having fun this summer!

I realized today that this week marks my official last week of working from home full-time. Can I continue to be "remotely yours" if I'm no longer remote? I planned to use this blog to document these strange coronavirus times, and those times certainly haven't ended yet. Plus, thankfully, when I go back to work next week it's only for two days a week. The rest of the time I still get to work from home. So in some ways things are changing and in others they continue to be as safe a situation as I can hope for right now.

I get to work at a location closer to my house, at least for the rest of the summer, so that's a benefit. My parents are still able to babysit my son on the days when I can't be there, and he's old enough to not need milk during the day though I still nurse him when I'm there and he wants it. At over a year old, he's eating a variety of fruits, veggies meats, cheeses, yogurt, and tons of his favorite pancakes/tortillas/carbs (at least they're mostly whole wheat)!

Aside from going to my parents' house for some babysitting while I worked from home at their house, I can count the places I've visited during this coronavirus on one hand. One drive-thru coffee. One pediatrician's appointment. Three visits to an outdoor cafe to have breakfast alone on their porch. And that's in three months. So it will be a big change to even be spending two days a week at a different location, working with other people and talking to complete strangers as I interact with the public behind our new plexiglass desks.

I'm not as worried as I thought I would be--maybe because the location where I'm working is usually quieter than others and we have new safety protocols in place. Maybe because I'm more worried about everywhere else. As more businesses and states open up, our virus cases are naturally rising. But it keeps hitting closer and closer to home. My brother's coworker. My husband's coworker (in a completely different building, but still near). And two very close members of my husband's family. One has been on a ventilator in the hospital for 40 days.

On a work from home day when I'm overwhelmed with job duties, Baby won't sleep, and then I hear news about someone close being ill or potentially exposed, my anxiety goes through the roof. I wonder how much more my brain can take, especially when I'm trying not to let it show and affect my son. But then he falls asleep at last, and I finish my job duties, and my mom comes over to give me a food and bathroom break, and my husband comes home from work to cuddle on the couch, and I'm reminded of the blessings that I have. We are so lucky and have so much good. I have no right to feel overwhelmed. I can get through this.

My parents are a BIG support and BIG part of why I'm blessed. Not only can they babysit while I'm back at work but they take care of me, making sure I eat and rest and get done what I need to get done, kind of like when I was on maternity leave with a newborn. It's also nice to have some place to go to since I don't go anywhere, and a house that's a little bigger than our own for my son to run around in now that he can practically run. To celebrate my last week of being a full-time work-from-home, stay-at-home mom, I'm hoping to do a little swimming in their backyard pool with Baby (seems much safer than any community pool right now), and maybe even have a movie night on their TV with my husband while they watch Baby (my mom's idea, and we haven't had a proper date since...I wanna say December 2?). 

Speaking of my husband, he's also a BIG support and BIG part of why I'm blessed. I wrote on social media for Father's Day talking about how he's the reason my son and I are okay. He goes out to get drive-thru dinner. He watches Baby when I have an early morning Zoom meeting and helps me "hose him down" on my lunch break when Baby's lunch covers his entire body. He talks to us and finds entertaining videos for us to watch, and if I had to be quarantined with someone indefinitely, I'm so glad it's him. I think we've only fought twice this whole time, and they were extremely short arguments over misunderstandings to begin with.

The next BIG support and blessing we have is our friends. In a scary physical climate and scary political climate, we have such wonderful friends to be able to talk out big issues with, whether it's Black Lives Matter or our own mental health. A friend came in from out of town to see her mom who lives here and we were lucky enough to do a real social distanced visit--we hadn't had friends over in ages! My husband went to pick up food I ordered at a local coffee shop. Then I put chairs out six feet apart in the garage and a table in the middle for drinks. It was our own little outdoor cafe! Our friends came with masks and gifts and we sat out there talking for two hours while Baby walked around in shoes for the first time. We even pulled his high chair into the garage so he could have lunch with us and gave him his first taste of ice cream since it is summer after all.

Just ignore the messy floor.

While this in-person visit was a break from our normal isolation, we continue to keep in contact with friends--mostly online, though my husband gets to see some coworker friends now that he's back at work. I stay in touch with my friends through Facebook and email. I even started organizing my monthly writing group again, and it felt good to be able to talk to fellow writers about the state of the world and the state of our novel drafts.

So things are okay. They're better for some, worse for others, but we have to hold onto the things that work for us. I'm sure I've said that before on this blog but it's worth repeating that all our experiences are unique and bad and good in their own ways. We're all grieving our past routines and past lives and sense of normal. We're all feeling a little scared or at least a little uncertain. Some may be suffering economically. Others physically. Others mentally. But we do our best with what we have. I count my blessings and try to find the joy I can in this new normal. Because how can we live if we can't find any joy in any day?

I'm not excited about returning to work, but I'm not unhappy about it either. It will be another change. Another chance to hope for something positive. My loved one in the hospital is off sedation from her ventilator and as we wait for her to wake up there was a positive change there too: new movement! Her eyes have opened a couple of times before, but today she moved her head and her hand. This might just be the beginning of recovery. We wait. We hope. We love.

And as we use all that to get through these times, maybe eventually we can return to some sort of normal.

Tired, Nervous, Happy

After those baby steps on May 16, Baby started officially walking on May 27, travelling from chair to couch and more without holding onto anything! While he still thinks crawling is faster and more stable, he's spent the past few days practicing his walking around the room more often, an adorable little jerky sidestep that makes him look like a crab. He's even started standing up on his own instead of needing a piece of furniture or parent to pull himself up on. It's adorable to see him so happy, confident, and proud. It makes the "tired like a mother" feeling and the anxiety of these hard times much easier to deal with.

Summer is a little different than spring was. On Mondays I work and then watch Baby when my husband works his evening shift. Tuesdays my mom stops by in the afternoon to help me while I work. Wednesdays I go to her house to work for the day and get extra help from my dad and brother there. Thursdays and Fridays I'm off because I had vacation days I was going to lose, so I get to spend all day at home with Baby.

Until July when our schedules change again and I start spending some days back at work.

It's been busy this week with summer classes starting where I work. Nonstop meetings and student questions and website updates, which definitely keeps me occupied. But having my son nearby, though challenging at times, breaks up the monotony. I like the schedule of his morning nap, feeding him real food on my noon lunch break, and then an afternoon nap. I like hearing him giggle with my mom upstairs or see him lying at my feet passed out asleep.

I like that he still makes me happy with everything he does.

Since we couldn't do a huge first birthday party for all our family and friends, this week was also busy organizing the pieces I was putting together to make his first birthday (TODAY) extra special: balloons, a photographer, an awesome cake, a virtual party. The planning made me nervous and happy, almost as if I was planning that huge in-person bash. I wanted everything to come together. And despite a few small hiccups (baby woke a little too early, balloons almost arrived too late), we have a content little one-year-old baby AND awesome photos to show for it.

Plus, the day's not over yet! Once he wakes from his morning nap, my son might actually get to play with his presents and then Facebook Live Stream out to family and friends this evening.

Even more good news: as of today, the close family member in the hospital is officially Covid free! It's her 22nd day sedated on a ventilator and she's not out of the woods yet, but this is a positive step in the right direction so she can continue to heal.

The world is still tumultuous, but today I'm going to be happy.